Voldemort Goes to the Bank
by nony0mous
Summary: The King of Evil needs more money! But if he's banned from Gringotts, he'll have to go to a Muggle bank... R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Due to funding issues, J. K. Rowling went broke again. She decided that I would become the new Harry Potter writer. Note that the last statement is false, and the last statement was true, but the last statement was false, even though the last statement was also false, but this statement was true.**

Voldemort was sitting in his Office of Evil doing typical mass-murderer work when his Secretary of the Office of Evil, Donna Rongduer came in.

"Um, Mr. Mort?"

"Did I not tell you to not not not call me Mr. Mort because it does not make me sound not good?" asked Voldemort.

"Um... you did not?"

"Wrong! You have used up your One Liberty to Make a Mistake. You know what that means?"

"Um, no."

"It means I know that you do not know that I know that you don't know what you're supposed to be doing, and thus next time you do not know, I will have to know how to know how to kill you."

"Um, could you please not talk in riddles?"

"Do not call me that name! I will now name you what your parents should have named you but decided not to name you because they are not experts at naming! I name you dead! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

So now Voldemort was doing typical mass-murdering when his Secretary of the Office of Evil's Replacement, Mia Nowernirnolmal came in.

"She lasted 3 hours, 6 minutes and 42 seconds, sir."

"Ooh, a new record."

"Yes, you must be getting better at controlling your evil, sir."

"Now, what is this thing she wanted to talk to me about?"

"Our funding is low, sir."

"How low?"

"Minus 2000 Galleons, sir."

"Why didn't you tell me this earlier? You have used up your One Liberty to Make a Mistake."

"Oh, sorry, on the way home I decided to get some cookies for the dark side-"

"NO COOKIES! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

So now Voldemort was doing his typical mass-murdering when his Secretary of the Office of Evil's Replacement Replacement, Gordon Oknow, came in.

"She lasted 10 seconds."

"Ooh, a new record."

"Yes, you must be getting good at not controlling your evil."

"I know. Now, what are we going to do about this little problem?"

"We will go to the bank. Unfortunately, Gringotts has made a new law that says that no psychos are allowed to enter the building. I decided we would go to the Muggle bank and trade it on the black market."

"Muggle bank? No way. For failing to find a better alternative, you used up your OLMM."

"Fine. But anyway, I was talking to the potter-"

"How dare you mention that name! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

So Voldemort went to the bank.

**To be continued...**


	2. Chapter 2

Voldemort was flying to the bank.

Some Muggles actually noticed that.

"It's a bird!" shouted some.

"It's a plane!" shouted the others.

"No, it's Superman!" they said together.

"No, it's Voldemort!" said Ron.

"Nobody cares about your moldy wart." said some guy.

"Oh, don't mind him," said some other guy. "He's always cranky because he doesn't have any actual power. I'm Peter Parker. He's Bruce Wayne."

"What are you doing? You just gave away our secret identities!" screamed Bruce.

Just then, another guy showed up.

"Hey, Clark Kent here, anybody knows where the nearest telephone booth is?"

Peter scowled. "Sheesh, Super, it's the 21st century, get modern, we don't have telephone booths anymore! Use an iPhone, for crying out loud." Peter then selected his iSuperChanger app from his phone, and presto, he's a spider.

"OMG SPIDER! WHY COULDN'T IT BE BUTTERFLTY MAN?"

Then Voldemort came down. "Can I have your autograph?" everyone asked him.

In response, he then killed everybody. The headline in the newspaper the next day was **Idiots Murdered by Superman!** Later, Superman was flying over a random town that was on fire.

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"It's Voldemort! Run!"

Everybody ran back into their houses which were on fire and they all died because Superman didn't bother to save them.

And so Voldemort approached the Gambling John Bank to make a withdrawl.


	3. Chapter 3

"Welcome to Gambling John's Bank. May I take your money?"

Miss Steak led Voldemort through the door. "May I take your coat off? Thanks, we will be keeping that, until we sell it on eBay. I am Ms. Steak, and I will be depriving you of your money today. You may also call me Pork Chop, Eh Pick Flail, and Grin Deli Wall. Would you like one of our Rat-on-a-Sticks? They're very popular. It's just like a Rat-on-a, but with a Stick at the end."

Voldemort sat down in a chair, and realized too late that the chair didn't exist. What he thought was a chair had actually been a drawing of a chair.

"Why are there no chairs?" he asked.

"Because, silly," she replied, "chairs cost money. And why would we spend money on making our customers happy when we could be spending money on fancy digital watches for ourselves?"

"Unfortunately, that makes sense. Fine, I'll get one myself." Voldemort then pressed the Dark Mark. "I need a chair, and I want it now."

50 Death Eaters suddenly filled the room, each carrying a chair, some chairs which were carrying an obese mortal.

"Carobbery, you are 23 nanoseconds late. I am annoyed."

"Lord, my chair has Harry Pot-"

"I don't care who's on the chair! AVADA KEDAVRA ANNA BANANA TOMATO TOMATO POTATO POTATO!"

200 more Death Eaters filled the room, each carrying either a potato, a tomato, a banana or an Anna.

"So, where were we? Oh yes, we were talking about me. So what is the deal with this place?"

"_Gambling John's Bank – we'll gamble your money for a fee. _Like all good banks, Gambling John's will take your money and gamble it. Then we will lose all of your money and make you poor. Then you will try to sue us but lose because we have better lawyers than you, and that's how we make money. Counter-suing."

"Wait," said Voldemort. "You want me to put my money into a bank that will gamble it? That's ridiculous!"

Unfortunately, the wand thought Voldemort had said the spell _riddikulus,_and, also unfortunately, Voldemort brought out his wand when he said this. The spell shot across the room, and hit a cute little puppy.

Only it wasn't a puppy. It was a boggart, and it looked like a puppy because EVERYONE knows that Voldemort's true weakness is cuteness. The boggart vanished.

"NO!" screamed Miss Steak. "Now all of the investigators and lawyers will be able to make it into the bank!"

Just then Professor Layton walked in. (IF you don't know who Layton is, look him up.)

"Luke, I have the strangest feeling that Voldemort might be in this very bank. But the question is, which person is it?"

"I think it's that person over there, you know, the one with no nose and slits for eyes?" asked Luke.

"No, that can't be right, that's too obvious. Let's try this puzzle to find out."

PUZZLE #6,389,455: Which Person That Is Not Obvious Is Voldemort?

"The true Voldemort... is him!"

Layton points at Detective Chemely. Luke lunges at his face, which he tries frantically to pull off.

"Get off, you buffoon! I'm the real Detective Chemely!"

"No you're not! The real Detective Chemely would NEVER look this real!"

FAIL.

So Professor Layton, Luke Triton, Detective Chemely and Voldemort tumbled out of the store.

PUZZLE # 6,389,456: Unravel the Buffoons!

"NO!" screamed Luke. "I was so close to finishing the game! I just can't figure out this last puzzle!"


End file.
